= | Zao [04.Jun.05 01:48] |
Your story is interesting and carefully written. Perhaps a bit too long though, given this untypical point of view (the second-person POV is always a tricky thing to deal with). I felt it was annoying that your character kept saying 'what?' and repeating the questions. Some grammar stuff: 'I didn't *told* you about it?' -didn't *tell* 'I didn't get used *with* all the new things around' -get used *to* 'How long since I was gone?' -this sounds a bit weird. Maybe: 'How long have I been away?' '...in any labyrinth *exists* two dangers' -how about this: '...there are two dangers in any labyrinth'? Overall, a nice job. Good luck! | |