| = welcome! | Laurenţiu Ion [18.Jun.09 00:55] |
| so glad to see you here in a spotlight glowing warmly your passion cannot be destroyed, it will always bring you higher than the predators that lust after it | |
| = welcome! | Marius Surleac [18.Jun.09 07:59] |
| Indeed, welcome Alice! You know, your poem has some nice images well described and some underlined emotions that helps it. But, I would suggest: quitting to some of the repetitions of "about" and "of" in the first stanza, or arranging them in a different manner - even if the purpose is that of enumeration, there are too much repetitions in such a small place that wipes out the idea. The same with those "I" in the next line - they don't look too good aesthetically speaking. I also suggest: "yelled straight at the moon's face" instead of "yelled straight in the moon's face". And, "even if it makes you cry" instead of "even if it would make you cry". Anyhow, nice. | |
| = addiction | Veronica Valeanu [18.Jun.09 15:54] |
| addiction & the need for addiction & the idea that if giving up might lessen the intensity of reality itself addiction generated not by the estrangement from reality but by the very core of it (the onion) a correspondence between the reality-induced-by-addiction and the reality itself (wasn't it in fact created by desires put into practice?) the acceptance of capitulation acts like a window to prevent the making-tight of such compartments Maris mentioned some omissions at the level of the sentence - take care of them it is good Alice | |
| = welcome | ion a [20.Jun.09 09:24] |
| hey, welcome! try a little more fluidity (avoid direct translation). ex. generally/ I don't have the slightest idea/ what staring into emptiness means/ or the meaning of curtains liked best: this heap of words - a dead animal | |