| = how I see it | Marius Surleac [13.Feb.10 11:14] |
| Claudiu, when choosing to write rhymed poetry you have to be very careful to the rhyme, to the rhythm, to the metrics. Here, the rhyme is ok but the other two are not: the rhythm doesn't flow as it should be and the number of syllables differ. You can easily write blank verses using assonance as a tool and you'll get a great rhythm. This is just a tip. Also, taking into account the shortness of your poem you need to pay attention to the repetitions within: here you have you repeated with each line, never appears twice as well as enough. These repetitions wipe out your poem's meaning acting like a wall before the poem and the reader. "Longing for you" - would fit better And the last tip, try to avoid cliches, try to bring something new, to attract the reader ... love acting like a drug has been used for years. Hope you don't mind. Marius | |
| = . | Claudiu-Mihai GURGUȚÃ [10.Dec.18 14:27] |
| Of course I don't mind! I would prefer such feedback everyday from everybody concerning all life issues coming into play, either in writing or in real life scenarios. I am taking into consideration your advice as we speak and correcting and developing this text into something worthy of exiting the workshop. Thank you for all your well directed advices that you offer me! I value your objectiveness. regards, Claudiu | |