| = Amadeo | Veronica Valeanu [10.Oct.10 12:59] |
| first of all, welcome to this community! enjoy being here and feel free to post your texts (according to the rules, no more than 2 texts per day)and also to give feedback to other authors. this text, in my opinion, is not written, but felt. this accounts for the fact that it is so dense/condensed, acute on all the possible layers (language, intensity of perception, organic construction) and perhaps it can be read of understood by only those who have undergone death-tangent experiences in their closest circle - i took the time to fully sense it also because yesterday I came from a funeral (someone old and dear to me) the text perfectly resembles a body that aches from every little fibre. that's why the empathy is hard when it comes to the readers. if it were fragmented it would become more human. [woven]not [weaved] parts like this are much too dense, you could let it breathe a little {for the virtual fellatio of the beggar's truth} but these short hammer strikes are perfect: e.g. {Will you choke on it?} or {At this, the dead speak} regards, Veronica | |
| = Amadeo | Amadeo [15.Oct.10 10:01] |
| Veronica, Thank you very much for your welcome and insightful analysis. I am pleased that much of what was expressed through my humble pen was noticed by you and had an appropriate impact. It is always a pleasure, and never hesitate to comment on my work. Regarding [weaved] - while [woven] is also a proper past tense of the verb [to weave], the word "weave" used here is actually derived from the Old Norse verb "veifa" - "to wave" or "to brandish". Like many other verbs, over time, "to weave" underwent a transformation into a weak verb, via which its past tense began to end in -ed or -t. The usage of "weave" in the poem was intentional, and with that particular meaning. While you are correct about the dense passages, I was not too concerned with the form of the piece, but rather with delivering a potent stream of imagery and words, with the intention of creating a claustrophobic state of mind - a cacophony of dark and demented thoughts. As you very accurately pointed out, the hammer strikes were indeed there for punctuation. The poem has the potential for a quite unsettling impact if read under the proper circumstances. | |