| = where | Veronica Valeanu [18.May.11 16:31] |
sorry, I wrote a long comment and now it is lost. i liked that part where thoughts are holograms, perhaps it should have been maintained longer as cause of effect. this text is a good instrument for an exercise of construction. instead of an addressee in the 2nd person, one in the 3rd person would have worked better. I mean being poetic as an overall intention is ok, as long as this is monitored to remain an ingredient, not a spice. in this way the implorations would give way to some real sensations in the making. think about this: how would you modify in the 3rd p. this line: [Pour dreams into my pores]? - without using these words as tag, but by constructing the way to the sensation? I think there lies the real potential. especially because the theme of the text is rich in sliding from the holograms into the past and unreal past. keep up moulding. VV | |