Members comments:

 =  Swear it
James A Williams
[12.Jan.12 03:51]
This is somewhat juvenile. It may be because English is your second language and or you may be young. There are lost threads of thought, disconnected, disjointed, which in fact some poets do on purpose, but this does not have that feel.

There are a few grammatical errors, which again both poets and novelists indulge in from time to time, but they do it on purpose. For example:

And look what we become.
Should read:
And look what we've become

Try a few more drafts.

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