| = ! | Corina Gina Papouis [04.Dec.13 23:51] |
| I understand this is a translation? ok. I guess you need to choose either rhyme or no rhyme at all. Mixing it up is a no-no (unless the meaning of it is playing with the shape of the poem, which is not the case). Secondly the grammar needs some polishing although I understand it has been induced by rhyming: if you give up when all is fine, you will lose support divine (divine support!) ....... all in all I believe you need to review it and come back with either a different shape or a different rhythm. Regards! | |