| = this is almost cool :) | Jan Pengelly [07.Jan.06 03:19] |
| quite an interesting way with words, and wonder if a couple of suggestions would be acceptable: "in autumn's fire bourne" you intended to say carried by the autmnal fire's? or was it your intent to say 'born'. Just wondering. If the first, how about 'by autumn's fires bourne' or, but less satisfactory, 'autumnal-fire bourne'? "by feral madness won" like your feral madness :) and here: "wind's breath in artless prayers broken" how about an enjambment to carry that image of something broken even further? wind's breath in artless prayers bro- -ken "- can you not hear? they dance to silence -" something feels weaker about this line. "as hope droops into the rain." but enjoyed this image. | |
| = * | Ravendark Scar Furiel [20.Jun.06 08:12] |
| imperfect praises 'neath an endless moon proclaim this very isolation archaic keys in the cries of a loon breath braks the recitation | |