| = y workshop | Luminita Suse [23.Feb.07 03:36] |
| Let’s eliminate you from this poem, and the commas, and unnecessary punctuation, verbs, words... Plural nouns do not need article “the” such as “the promises” in verse #1 except for the cases when you want to elaborate on them: “the promises that broke my mind” The word “blood’ is repeated so many times, remove, avoid, diversify. Think of this: do you really need capitals at the beginning of each verse? Here’s the result: lost again amid broken promises sat upon stained stones egocentric eros bleeding yet again black marrow spilling from bones gasping air under skies heavy with defeat there are so many choices no one even cares trapped again in the darkness of own making scratching ears pulling skin fFor they are stained with tears it doesn't matter anymore my original image has frayed and the once sunny exterior now swamped with the blackest shade dry eyes on torn sleeves For despair still leaks out it is said that it is better to have and lose than to always be without this mocking crimson addiction to “I want it yet I don't” has to end convince self it won't lovely breasts from bitter lips words mean much but prove nothing all eyes are shut and turned away but in emptiness I clutch at something that thing is terror eternal agonising cries bright lights in moist womb a single death amongst our lives and yet the brilliance of it all is feeling the rippling bliss of knowing that despite what is being said my pile??? grows with another broken smile | |