How do I explain all of this that I am feeling?
I guess I don’t know how. I am so good at writing about the way that I hurt because that is the only thing I have experience with, it’s the only thing that has been present in my life until now. And yes, I don’t know if I could explain the changes in my life.
I have been, once again, stubborn as usual and I managed to show him what he does to me. I managed to explain to him that he is one of a kind and that I was running out of time and felt like losing him. So I took action and I told him what I feel, I had arguments to all of his doubts and I pushed as far as I could.
And what happened is that I scared him so much that I ended up leaving that night thinking that I surrender. But I remember what I quote all the time: that I can be destroyed but never defeated.
So I kept on hoping.
He never knew actually how much he would make me lose focus about anything else.
And then it happened, he gave me the chance to show him … or as she says: the love in my mind… and I did.
And now it’s like all of those feelings I used to have before, all of those uncertainties, all of those emotions….
I told you I don’t know how to talk about happiness.
I want you to know that is all, I need you to know … it might sound strange but I told you…. I feel like I know you since forever, I feet in your arms, I match with you kiss, I laugh at your smile and I smile at your laughter.
I just feel so sad… I don’t know if all my fighting will be of use. When you start telling me that you are far away, that time will pass until I see you again, that I work with the people that I do. I am just so confused and scarred because I do not know if there is anything I could actually do to show you what I feel.
You touch my hand and I feel warm inside, you touch my lips and I want more… you touch my soul and heal my heart.
Remember what you told me… a broken heart can not be healed… well you are wrong… I used to think that but I know better now. I feel it… deep inside… everytime I hear your voice I feel my heart bigger… it’s like I am lacking air and I need to breath deeper to make it… it’s like when you look into my eyes and for the first time I am not afraid to look away so I could hide my pain just because I know somehow you can understand it and help me heal it.
I feel comfortable … and I just need you to hold me… does this sound so bad? Does the idea of me feeling like crying every time you bring arguments against us being us scare you so much?
You make me feel alive, you make me dream of the better days, you make me want to wake up close to you and just look at your beautiful smile for the rest of my life.
And I said yesterday that I would kidnap you and force you to marry me just to have you close… and not to lose you. I know it sound stupid and I know probably you would never want that… but I just know I am capable of anything to keep you in my soul just the way you are…
And why can’t you just hold me? Why does it have to be so hard? I know that I have to help you stay but please… please… please… help me stay also.
You know I was hurt, not as much as you or maybe more, but I need you to show me that you do want me… I can fight but not alone… and I know that you want it but somehow every time you are cold I just get so scared.

Please… talk to me about happiness…


For J.

21-Dec-07