I am so fucking sad. It seems like my whole world broke down. My life is a mess. I can't make decisions on what I feel because I don't know what I feel. I just kissed a man today. Someone I don't think I love.
It wasn't great. It was just interesting. But I don't feel any remorse. It's like I'm a fucking stone. Just cold and senseless. I wonder if I ever loved anyone in my life. More and more I have the feeling I didn't.
I just feel empty. And I can't even cry. I'm indifferent to everything. When I kissed that man, I didn't think about my husband, just about "the adventure".
When I'm with my husband, I have this nice feeling, which resembles very much to "inner peace". I think that's a good way to describe what I feel. It's like with him, I feel protected, and calm. But not always. Before marriage I didn't feel it too often.
I don't find a meaning to my life. Because I often feel like I'm too unimportant in the course of my life to give it a meaning. What I'm trying to say is that I just feel insignificant, compared to the many other things that lead my life. Of course, I am aware that I have this impression just because I am too much of a coward to just make everything go somewhere.
But disappointments and loneliness are just too much for me. I seem to have drifted too much inside of me. I have trouble expressing myself, I just manage to show people bits and pieces of my personality, and I often have the feeling that they judge me by too little. Or maybe I’m just way too subjective.
Who gives a hell anyway?
I don’t even understand myself; I can’t ask it from someone else. I don’t want to hear advice. This is not a cry for help, it’s just a cry. I feel like saying something, and I don’t know to whom, especially because I’m trying to avoid hurting people unnecessarily, by saying something that just pops in my head, and wasn’t filtered by reasoning. Or was filtered so much that the essence has been lost. I just need to be quiet next to someone. Next to someone I can be quiet. Without feeling the need to move, without feeling the need to speak, without feeling uncomfortable.
I said yesterday that I don’t consider cheating something I just do as an “experiment”, to have fun and with no feelings involved. *But* I don’t think I can make an “experiment” without any feelings being involved. I can’t just spontaneously kiss somebody without feeling anything (at least a certain attraction)… Or can I? Maybe that’s what I did today. I wish I could know myself better. I wish I wouldn’t just think about me. I wish I could just live by rules. I wish I wouldn’t sound like a sixteen year old. I wish I was dead.