| = . | alina livia lazãr [30.May.08 07:55] |
| I like this combination of childish and devilish, I am too tired now to say more, its a powerful message. I guess that you may work a little bit on the final part, is seems to me like you were in a hurry: Mother faints and SARAH laughs This is an anticipated sequence, I dont know, I like the unexpected, the mystery, the text that leaves you some kind of freedom to continue it. If you tell everything about your characters, especially in such a short screenplay, then you leave no space for INTENSITY. and you have intensity in your text, unfortunately I did not feel it in the end any more because it becomes predictable. Anyway, great idea, it reminds me of Lolita somehow. :) | |
| = thank you for reading | Vicleanu Mihaita [30.May.08 08:54] |
| :)...I'm glad you enjoy it...about the ending...mother faints and sarah laughs...the song she is singing ...almost saves her ...;)) | |
| = my opinion... | Marius Surleac [31.May.08 10:44] |
| Ok! The basic idea of the text is ok, I see the little girl suffering by a mental disorder, more related to the autism. I understand this is fantasy but what intrigues me is the fact that the little girl has authority on his parents, not inversely as it should me. The story with the teddy bear reminds me by a movie with a little robot-child having a robot bear and searching for the fairy. Anyway, the text loose a bit from his continuity when she says about the brown spot and then I was lot because she and her father started to speak about anything else, the same the final ends very fast - I was waiting for more to read by my opinion is that the song from the end is not properly used and the text will look better if you'll find a better final. Also, I suggest you to pay attention to the shape of the text, to the orthography (I found ":" without leaving space after, also "," with space before). You should take a closer look to the text and try to revise these errors. Hope you don't mind. Finally, the idea of the text is nice, interesting and I like it - but i am sure that you're capable of more than that. Sincerely, Marius | |
| = my kind regards | Vicleanu Mihaita [31.May.08 13:58] |
| thank you marius for all your thoughts. i'll mark your words. it was made in a hurry...i guess i didn't have the patience to finish it in a better way. i promise the next one will rise to your expections;)) so to say. thank you for reading everytime !! you're a good reader. | |
| = the subject is interesting and deserves more attention! | Laurenţiu Ion [08.Jan.09 20:39] |
| I'm sorry to disagree with your first comments, but this screenplay is quite confusing and too simple for my tastes. you know, before reading must remains a powerful aftertaste. exactly how I said in my article the characters must "try out different games designed to effect change". I'm not saying those thing aren't here, but it's not enough to build something different, but in the same time, something real. however, the subject is interesting and deserves more attention! | |
| = errrrrr | Laurenţiu Ion [08.Jan.09 20:46] |
| after reading must remain those things | |