| = a few adjustments | Maria Schuler [01.Jan.05 02:27] |
| The concept is good, yet there are a few mistakes that eclipse the meaning. The logic of the first stanza is a bit blurry. I suggest you put an "of" inside the second line ("because of much disturbance") so that what follows will not need a new verb and the meaning would stay the same. The commas can stay, although they're not necessary. Then in the second line of the second stanza you can either use "like non other" or "like no other person" ("people" gives an odd feeling because it suggests the plural while the expression needs a singular). In the third line of the same stanza you either use "soothed" (to be in the same time as in the first line) or you use "soothe", either way the word "sooth" is incorrect. In the 2nd line of the 3rd stanza it should be "like an ordinary man" not "a ordinary" (you forgot an "n"). Then you should use the past simple for the verb to "wave" ("I waved and strived"). And another suggestion: put a comma after "alas" ("Alas, finaly!!!"), because the two words have similar meanings. Hope my advices were helpful; Maria. | |