My mind is a complete mess right now...A lot of things are mingling in my head and I see myself in the impossibility, unusual so far, of making any sense of order out of it.

I am thinking of happiness and unhappiness and about the fragile equilibrium they are in, wondering if by any chance, the two notions we are dealing with every day aren't actually coexisitng painfully real in each of us.

I even think it is almost impossible to separate them as inner emotions even when you shout as loudly as you can that you are either happy or unhappy...

In fact, I actually believe that one cannot be only happy or unhappy because, unfortunately, the law of compensations functions perfectly and especially cruelly in everything related to the soul.

Happiness and unhappiness keep the balance of the world at a social level, through individuals that are either happy or unhappy, but the most interesting balance is to be noted in the emotions of the same individual.

The state of being happy seems to exist in order to make more bearable the moments when you think that everything is over for you and the state of being unhappy shows to you a defying grin from which you learn that everything lasts till the magic is over.

And still...what is happiness? I feel it as being the ecstasy of the body and soul embracing the worst kinds of fear of losing it. Do you understand now the significance of the balance I was talking about earlier?

I have reached happiness...I feel it in every fiber of my being...I can almost touch it! Oh, my God, what a terrible fear I feel, so terrible that sometimes I have the almost paradoxical and unexplainable sensation that maybe it would have been better, had I not found it for I do not feel capable of facing the loss of it...

One feels, or better said, I feel like a child who has a new toy and who would rather not play with it for fear not to ruin it.

Oh, God, it is terrible...I have what I have always dreamed of and now I do not know what to do with it.

Actually I know what to do but I cannot help thinking that everything has an end which, in my mind, must always be a tragic one.

Death does not scare me as much as the idea of losing my happiness terrifies me. I would rather die one thousand times tahn live with the feelings of losing happiness, happiness I have just found and which, in my opinion, is something I am worthy of.

I am afraid of enjoying my own happiness! Well...I said it! I am sick with the superstition related to the law of compensations, though I am damned good at making the others ignore it and just live according to the carpe diem...I am afraid to enjoy the very present moment because I cannot help thinking that in the next moment I will have to pay a bitter price for it.

In vain one has brains and tries to live and adapt his feelings by reason...The past with all its experiences leaves marks on you...You once lost something or something you never imagined happened to you and took you by surprise for you had never thought it could happen to you...Now you are high in the sky and suddenly...there you are, thrown to the floor, wondering how that happened to...you!!! Time passes, the shock of the fall seems to disappear and eventually it is almost gone.

Till one day when you feel the world is yours again. You feel happy! I am happy! It is just that this time you will not shout it loudly, because as by surprise, you feel again as a pain in the ass, the image of the previous fall...Damned this happiness!

Damned all the past!!!

Now you begin to be scared...But if I think better...maybe this fear is eventually good at something.

If the idea of losing happiness is killing you, this means that all your artilery is ready to attack to defend it at any price because you knwo it is damned worth it!!!

That is to know that in life nothing must be taken for granted!

Now I know this myself...