Translated by Mona Lepadatu


Characters: 4 men and 2 women: The Boss, Costica, Mirel, Miss Flori and Bucurel’s wife.
The scene takes place in a state institution office.
They are all staff of the administrative department.

The boss: ‘So, I’m leaving. Gentlemen from administration... and young ladies, I wish you an eventful Dragobete evening. Before you go home, to your wives, I will tell you about some of the Dragobete customs and about the origin of its name. One moment, my mobile is ringing.. Yes, dear. Sure..., I’m ready dear, in two minutes I’m in the courtyard. Err... what was I saying? Right! Bucurel, why don’t say a few words about this event in my place and you can all go home. Today you can leave earlier.’
Bucurel: ‘What shall I say, boss?’
The boss: ‘Tell them about love, flowers, wedding-rings..., make something up. For example, how you met your wife.’
Bucurel: Well, I was in Turda...’
The boss: ‘You see? You see you know what to tell them? Come on, come on, I’m in a hurry.’
Bucurel: ‘Good-bye, boss.’

(Bucurel pushes his finger into his right ear and, twisting it, turns towards the administrative staff and starts talking thoughtfully.)

Bucurel: ‘Ladies and gentlemen. The Dragobete Day is a celebration of love, flowers and wedding-rings, first of all because today is 24 February and then because the boss said so. Because of Dragobete we’re going home earlier. Gather around me to hear better what I have to about the holiday...’

(Hands deep into his pockets, Bucurel moves his weight from one leg onto the other and looks for inspiration somewhere on the paintings hanging on the walls.)

Bucurel: ‘Who has heard about Dragobete?’
Costica: ‘I have. It’s the poor relative of St. Valentine’s day.’
Bucurel: ‘Right. Valentine is born in America and he came on a business trip to our picturesque land. Here he met one of our vigorous women, and so, out of their love, Dragobete was born. That explains the kinship. Does anyone know what makes people grow?’
Mirel: ‘Their head.’
Bucurel: ‘No. Someone else?’
Costica: ‘It’s the head, boss!’
Bucurel: ‘Why do you think that, man?’
Costica: ‘Because people come into the world their head first...’
Bucurel, outraged: ‘You’re a fool! Everybody stand in line, shoulder to shoulder, like so. And now, let’s hear it: do you all have the same height? The same age, by any chance? The same sex? The same weight? You see? It is not the head that makes people grow. Therefore...’
Miss Flori: ‘Why did you make us stand in a line, boss’?
Bucurel: ‘So that you understand that you are different and so you can all swing your heads like a wheat field...’
Mirel: ‘Or rye.’
Costica: ‘Or oat.’
Staring at each of them, Bucurel shouts angrily: ‘Silence! Therefore, if it is not the head, what makes human beings grow? The legs, suckers! It is simpler with human beings, not like with chickens. Did you know that in the past a great scientist studied who came first: the chicken or the egg?’
Costica: ‘What a fool!’
Mirel: ‘Big deal...’
Bucurel: ‘What’s wrong with you, guys? They were primitive people, you don’t need to disparage them because we come from emperor Trajan and king Decebal. As if you knew what history is! As I was saying, at that time nobody knew that who came first was, obviously, the chicken. And then she laid the egg.’
Miss Flori: ‘But where did they get the egg that the chicken hatched out of, Mr. Bucurel?’
Bucurel: ‘From the market, miss! Where do you buy your eggs? Don’t tell me you go to the fair!’
Mirel: ‘No, boss! Her mother brings her farm eggs, they have a farm in Videle.’
Bucurel: ‘You are lucky, girl! I thought you bought them in a supermarket, like everybody else. At that time you could also find eggs at the market, not just at the mall. And they were not sold like now, at production price.’
Costica: ‘What do you mean production price, boss? I, for one, pay five thousand an egg, I get them at the Trajan covered market.’
Bucurel: ’See how stupid you are? You buy your eggs at added commercial tax price.’
Costica: ‘They are not all with added commercial tax.’
Bucurel: ‘Costica! I’m not talking bullshit here, I talk about taxes in money!’
Costica: ‘How smart you are, boss!’
Bucurel: ‘I am, that’s why I’m the boss. But let’s come back to our story. So legs make man grow and that comes from the past, since the time of Our Saviour’s birth. I hope you have all heard about the three kings from the orient? Being deprived of any means, they started their journey to the stable on foot. Do you know what the kings brought to the stable?’
Mirel: ‘Food and drink!’
Bucurel: ‘Myrrh and incense, Mirel! But they had something to eat in their knapsacks, for they had not set out on their way empty handed. And they laid all their luggage at Our Saviour’s feet, so he can grow big. Now you get it? This is why they say: legs make people grow.’
Miss Flori: ‘How nice you can speak, boss…’
Bucurel: ‘I have talent, miss. Listen on, now we come to the trick! The kings could not put the food on the ground, it would have got dirty, and then Our Saviour could not stand, either, he was too young. So they put the victuals on the back of the donkey so the little one could not reach them and so they don’t get full of sand, either. But donkeys will be donkeys! The donkey shook off the food into the kings’ boots. They had taken them out to get dry, you now. The shepherds, when they saw that, quickly went back to their sheepfolds and had the donkeys lead their flocks.’
Costica: ‘Mr. Bucurel, don’t pick on Mr. Becali , for Steaua has qualified for the European football cups.’
Bucurel: ‘Why would I care about Becali, Costica?’
Costica: ‘You were talking about him, and it’s a pity… Really!’
Bucurel: ‘No, I wasn’t! I was talking about donkeys… And now we come to Dragobete. As if the kings, the donkeys and the boots were not enough, women got involved. They were envious of everything happening without them and put their foot down immediately. And with them came all the objects typical of the Dragobete festival, namely handbags, rings, bangles, perfumes, furniture and so on. So man has come to associate the Dragobete day with these gifts.’
Miss Flori: ‘How romantic you are, boss!’
Mirel: ‘He’s romantic because he’s married, girl! That’s how we all become when we live near you…’
Miss Flori: ‘Drop it, dear. You are never going to turn romantic, don’t worry.’
Mirel: ‘What do you mean? Am I too ugly? Do have anything missing? What do you mean by this?’
Bucurel: “Silence!! I speak about Dragobete Day, about the holy love between man and woman and you keep fighting. So! Then the cooks meddled in the business, who are some sort of women, too, only that they can cook. They invented new Dragobete articles, such as meat rolls in cabbage leaves, meatballs, indigestion and cheese pancakes.’
Costica: ‘I don’t get it.’
Bucurel: ‘Because you are stupid, Costica! It’s so simple, on the Dragobete Day you have to buy your wife a bottle of perfume or a handbag, and she has to cook meat rolls, meatballs and cheese pancakes for you. Do you get it now?’
Costica: ‘But last year it wasn’t like this!’
Bucurel: ‘So what? Were we candidate country to the European Union last year?’
Mirel: ‘And those of us who don’t have wives, where do we eat meat rolls?’
Bucurel: ‘Stop smacking your lips next to me, or I’ll smack you! You won’t eat rolls, there! What do you expect? Why don’t you find a nice woman? Get married and become a family man?’
Miss Flori: ‘Who’s going to have him, boss?’
Mirel: ‘Careful, Flori! Before I get angry and drop you one...’
Bucurel: ‘Kids, do you know how I hit on my wife?’
Mirel: ‘We know, boss!’
Miss Flori: ‘You told us yesterday…’
Costica: ‘How, boss?’
Bucurel: ‘Let me tell you. I was on a business trip in Turda and I had three more hours before the departure of my train. Three hours to waste in the streets, parks or graveyards. No money left, I had eaten my daily allowance the night before. So I was rambling in a park when suddenly, three girls in front of me: one blonde and two brunettes. They were chatting the way women usually do, that is much and loud. I love brunettes…, so my attention was drawn by a long dark wavy haired one. Destiny, nothing less! Even if I could only see her back and a little of her side, I irreversibly fell in love with her. It was love at first sight, I didn’t care about her age, her sign, her marital status and how her mother looked, either. You know how they say: if you want to know how your wife is going to look after the wedding, have a good look at your mother-in-law.’
Mirel: ‘Did you hear that, Miss Flori? Tomorrow come to work with your mother. Otherwise I won’t marry you!’
Miss Flori: ‘Ha! Ha! What a good joke! Who the hell is going to marry you, Mirel…’
Bucurel: ‘Silence! I was saying: when I saw her back I felt I was deep in love with her. I was walking behind her and planning how to make a pass on her. Suddenly she stops, bends over and…’
Costica: ‘And?’
Mirel: ‘And?’
Bucurel: ‘And took a stone out of her left sandal. I quicken my pace and catch up with her.’

(On the stage remain only Bucurel and his future wife. The others go back on the side and watch the ‘remembrance’ played live. So Bucurel’s story turns into a play within play).

Bucurel: ‘Hello, my name is Bucurel and I want to tell you from the beginning that I don’t have brothers or sisters, I’m an only child. Moreover, my mother’s name is Aurica and my father’s is Vasile.’
The future wife: ‘And are you lost or just looking for your parents?’
Bucurel: ‘No, I left them home, in Bucharest. They have a two room apartment in the Colentina district and yesterday morning before I left I paid them a visit. My father was watering the plants on the terrace and my mother was ironing. They are in good health, thank you for asking.’
The future wife: ‘If your parents are in Bucharest, fine and dandy, why have you brought them up?’
Bucurel: ‘Because I am a modest shy guy. I don’t like lying. If I do I get confused, I stutter and turn red. So you’d better know from the beginning who you’re dealing with.’
The future wife: ‘OK, then I am Adriana, I am on my lunch break and I am walking a few minutes with my work colleagues. Now you have to excuse me, I have to go.’
Bucurel: ‘Do you mind if I tell you are very beautiful? You are the girl with the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Talking about fried eggs , do you know how to cook them? The best thing is to let the pan get hot, but not too hot, or the oil will splatter and burn you. You crack the eggs and put them in the pan, one by one… Wait, where are you going? Adriana, look, today is 14 April 2001, 12.50 am and I wasn’t going to teach you how to cook.’
The future wife: ‘OK. So what?’
Bucurel: ‘I’d like to have a cup of coffee. It’s a habit: at this time of the day I drink coffee.’
The future wife: ‘Oh. And you want me to point you in the direction of a restaurant?’
Bucurel: ‘Yes, if you want to have a cup of coffee with me. Listen, I invite all of you… or are you fasting today?’
The future wife: ‘What fasting, now after Easter? Thank you for the invitation, but we are in a hurry.’
Bucurel: ‘One second... You don’t colour your hair, do you? It is your natural colour and you’re not wearing a wig. You know, since these shampoo commercials have come out, I don’t know what to use anymore. Sometimes you read shampoo on the box and you find hair colour inside. And the other way around.’
The future wife: ‘Bucurel, are you trying to tell me something?’
Bucurel: ‘Yes… Do you still have Easter eggs?’
The future wife: ‘I beg your pardon?? No, I don’t have any Easter eggs left. Why?’
Bucurel: ‘If you had had any left, we could have cracked them here, in the park. Will you give me your phone number?’
The future wife: ‘What do you want with my phone number?’
Bucurel: ‘Meet your parents.’
The future wife: ‘I won’t give it to you.’
Bucurel: ‘OK. Then can I ask you something extremely serious? Really serious indeed.’
The future wife: ‘OK, ask me.’
Bucurel: ‘Will you marry me?’

(The two go to the back while the protagonists of the first part come back onto the stage.)

Miss Flori: ‘How romantic you were, boss!’
Mirel (imitating Miss Flory): How romantic and tender… You’re sucking up to the boss! You have a bonus in mind, or…’
Miss Flori: ‘God, what jerk of a colleague…’
Bucurel: ‘So, let’s sum up. What do you have to do tonight?’
Costica: ‘I know! We go to the Cocor department store and buy handbags.’
Bucurel: ‘That’s right, and then?’
Costica: ‘We go home and give the handbags to our wives.’
Mirel: ‘Only those who have wives, Costica…’
Miss Flori: ‘You wish…’
Bucurel: ‘Silence! That’s good, Costica, go on.’
Costica: ‘Then we sit at the table and eat meat rolls, meatballs and cheese pancakes.’
Bucurel: ‘Very good.’
Costica: ‘Then we go to sleep.’
Bucurel: ‘Wrong! Dragobete Day means tenderness, kisses on the back of the head, stuff like that, is that clear?’
Costica: ‘I got it.’
Miss Flori: ‘Did you hear that, Mirel? Tenderness, kisses… You should learn from boss.’
Mirel (again imitating her): ‘You should learn from boss…’
Bucurel: But don’t stay up too late with your caresses, for tomorrow we have work to do. We hereby end the Dragobete Day meeting. Enjoy your party!’

The boss, purple in the face and agitated, suddenly comes back into the office: ‘Hey, hey, where are you going?’
Bucurel: ‘Hello, boss. Well, we’ve held the Dragobete Day meeting, as you said, and now we’re going home, according to your indications.’
The boss (scratching his bottom away): “We have a lot of work to do today. Nobody is leaving.’
Bucurel: ‘And the gifts? The meat dumplings? The caresses?’
The boss (continuing to scratch his bottom): ‘I don’t want to hear it! Get back to work, everybody!’
Bucurel: ‘Come on, back to work. Or are you deaf in one ear? (after the employees withdraw, he addresses the boss) Boss, why do you keep scratching your… back?’
The boss: ‘Bucurel, today is Dragobete Day.’
Bucurel: ‘I know, boss. I’ve been explaining that till just now.’
The boss: ‘And I went, like everybody, with my wife to the Unirea department store to buy her a bottle of perfume.’
Bucurel: ‘That’s very nice of you…’
The boss: ‘Yes, very nice…, especially the price. Two million lei… Then we go home and we go to bed, like everybody else.’
Bucurel: ‘Wouw…’
The boss: ‘What’s with these exclamations? Where is old times respect? The boss is the boss even in his slippers!’
Bucurel: ‘Sorry, boss. It’s here.’
The boss: ‘Then we started caressing…’
Bucurel: ‘I know, boss.' Like everybody else.’
The boss: ‘Yes, exactly. And when we got that moment… The moment! That moment where everybody wants to get, some faster, some slower…’
Bucurel: ‘The moment, boss, I know. It comes according to education, culture, profession…’
The boss: ‘Yes, Bucurel. And right then, right at that moment, I felt a mosquito bite me on my bottom. I stopped, of course, and gave it a good smack. I crushed it.’
Bucurel: ‘Well done, boss. The son of a bitch! It wouldn’t allow a working man to enjoy the holy day. Right on Dragobete Day!’
The boss: ‘Yes, but, you see, my wife had a different opinion. She got angry and remained like that!’
Bucurel: ‘Like what, boss?’
The boss: ‘Like that!”
Bucurel: ‘Oh! Like a statue.’
The boss: ‘And she asked me how come I could feel the mosquito bite right at that moment. Well, how could I not? She said a frog would not have felt anything even if someone had chopped its head off.’
Bucurel: ‘The frog?’
The boss: ‘Yes, the frog! My wife watches the Discovery channel every day and she has seen a programme about frogs’ mating. They do it once a year and when they do they are so absorbed that they don’t feel anything else. You can chop their head off and they don’t feel a thing. You cut their head and they keep doing it.’
Bucurel: ‘They mate without their head? You mean the she-frog cuts the head of the male she is in love with?’
The boss: ‘Not the she-frog, someone else does…’
Bucurel: ‘Who, boss?’
The boss: ‘Hell knows. How should I know? Do I watch Discovery? Those maniacs must have done some experiments on frogs.’
Bucurel: ‘What jerks, boss! What sadistic people! To cut the head of the male frog when he doing his holy duty as a husband, as head of the family!’
The boss: ‘Bucurel, to hell with frogs! I’m talking about my wife!’
Bucurel: ‘Is your wife a frog?’
The boss: ‘No, man! She’s not a frog! What kind of question is that?’
Bucurel: ‘Then what is she?’
The boss: ‘I was talking about the mosquito! It bit me at the climax and I crushed it on my bottom.’
Bucurel: ‘And the frog?’
The boss: ‘The frog was on the Discovery channel, the mosquito on my bottom and my wife… upset.’
Bucurel: ‘Boss, I would close down this television channel. It teaches our wives all sorts of nonsense. Listen to what crossed their minds: to cut your head like a frog.’
The boss: ‘Not mine! The frog on that show, but forget it. Drop it. One thing is clear: I should have allowed the mosquito to bite me just to finish the job.’
Bucurel: ‘Oh, your wife has no heart! Really. Madam doesn’t know that you can get yellow fever from a mosquito bite? That you can get the chills? And shake in hot weather, get pale and lose your hair…’
The boss: ‘Lose my hair?!’
Bucurel: ‘And your teeth! First your molar teeth become loose…’
The boss: ‘From a mosquito bite?’
Bucurel: ‘Yes, boss. Then your eyes become bloodshot and start watering abundantly. Then your ears start swelling and tingling all the time.’
The boss (worriedly touching his face): ‘A mosquito can make me lose my sight, and my hearing?’
Bucurel: ‘Yes, and then the legs…’
The boss: ‘What about the legs?’
Bucurel: ‘They swell, and blood vessels start bursting one by one…’
The boss: ‘Enough! I’m getting sick…’
Bucurel: ‘Then you die… OK, I’ll shut up.’
The boss: ‘To hell with Dragobete Day! That I should die because of it?! You see, Bucurel, if I had not left work…’
Bucurel: ‘That’s right, boss. There are no mosquitos here.’
The boss: ‘Bucurel, I’m going to our family doctor. Maybe it’s not so serious and I’ll live. And if God helps me and I’m all right, I’ll see you tomorrow morning at nine.’
Bucurel: ‘Take care, boss. Good health! Good bye. (then to the staff) It’s done, guys. You’re free. The boss is not coming back today. Everybody, to the Cocor department store and then home, to our wives, mothers, or whatever each of us has… Long live Dragobete Day!
Costica: ‘And mosquitos!!’
Mirel: ‘And the boss’ wife!’
Miss Flori: ‘And the kings!’