Once again, a very long list with “things I have to do”, “things I want to do” and “things I shouldn’t do”. She was tired of lists. She was tired of schedules, planning, obligations and any other sort of compulsion standing between her and freedom. And she was also tired of dreams. What’s the meaning of dreaming anyway? People dream with eyes closed and eyes wide open. People dream in their beds and dream on the street. Thousand and thousand of dreams everywhere, so many that maybe there’s no place for her dreams in this world. It’s a miracle that she could find a place for her body, right here, among all these dark faces and dark hearts, among tired, busy men looking at her breasts, scanning her shapes hidden behind casual clothes, wanting her in their filthy arms, feeling her skin mentally and penetrating her right there, in that office, on the table, on the papers, on the fax machine…endless number of times….endless number of postures…endless flow of cries out of her mouth…
A very important meeting at 10am. Lunch at 12 with the crazy manager of a crazy company. Back to office at 2. Work till 5. Home at 5.30. Shower. Dinner. Maybe watching a movie on TV. Then her neighbour will probably come to ask for something. That old lady…always coming at inappropriate times, always asking for something, like sugar, coffee, potatoes, salt…always finding a reason to knock at her door and disturb her silence…”Please, come in…would you like a cup of tea?....”. “Oh…no…I don’t want to bother…”. “It’s my pleasure…please come in…take a seat…so how are you today?...”. And so on, and so forth. Meaningless conversation, meaningless words, meaningless smiles and gestures…In fact, she likes that lady. But from time to time she felt tired of her too. Loneliness. Loneliness and freedom. So many people commit suicide because they feel lonely. She will break that frame. She will commit suicide because she cannot be lonely anymore. Especially not now and not in this big city of all sins and all opportunities.
She took her coat and her bag. She left some papers to be typed by her secretary. She pushed the button of the elevator. One man and three women waiting for the elevator next to her. “Don’t look at their faces. Don’t look at their clothes. Don’t look at their hands.” They were all wearing perfect shoes, shining, clean, expensive. They were all in rush. Always rushing, always busy, always caught in the middle of a very important matter. Making money out of nothing, taking care of families, playing the game of friendship once in a while, following the unwritten rules of society…Well, that’s the spirit! A small bug lost among millions of small bugs. A small bug crawling on earth among millions of small bugs crawling on earth.
The doorman called a cab for her. Good man, the doorman. She saw him one day, walking in the park with his two girls and his wife. He looked so much different, not wearing the uniform…He looked…normal. A normal man, leading a normal life with his normal family. He even smiled to her and waved his hand from the distance. She could clearly see on his face that he was happy to see her. And she thought that she forgot to smile back to him for so many times…So now she turned her head to him, smiled and thanked for the cab. “How’s your wife?...And the little one?...Still sick?...Oh…I’m sorry to hear that…Yes, it’s a good school…Wish her good luck…Ok, thanks again…Bye bye…”. Bye bye…bye bye…bye bye…
She went into the cab. “To the Town Hall. Fast, please.” Faster. Fast life, fast love, fast dreaming…No. That was a mistake. Her dreams were not fast. Ok, young lady! What’s the last thing you dreamt of? I don’t remember. Why not? Because I was sleeping at that time. No, because it was fast. No. And I don’t have time for this crap anyway. I have to meet the mayor now. I have to think of my project. I have to…Yeah, sure, do that. The little bug who forgot to dream. The little bug who forgot to be a bug and feel like a bug. I am not hearing you. So just shut up and wait till I get home. Just hold your thoughts. Ok? I can’t afford to hear you. Almost being late…Oh, God…”Yes, stop here. How much do I owe you?...Perfect…Have a good day!...bye..”
She slammed the door of the car. She was in a hurry. She was almost running on the stairs. She was almost crushing the doors. She was almost hitting the people who came in her way. The little bug…the small bug…just one bug among so many other indefinite bugs…no identity for this bug…no name, no face…
Just a few more seconds and she will enter the mayor’s office. Ok, one more quick look at herself. And with a fast move of her hand, she took the handkerchief from her bag, she cleaned a small spot of dirt on her right shoe and she entered.