The shadows of our clenched hands were climbing the stairs before us. Our thoughts - so different, but so keen to stay together. He never knew what was behind my smiling face and he never totally will.. he may only suppose there is actually something that he would never find out. I neither knew what lied behind those eyes of his. Those eyes that seem to be a creature apart from him, alive, capable of decision, which always helps him compose nothing but a mysterious thoughtful figure, whether he feel love or hate, pain or contence, happiness or sadness.
At every step I climbed my thinking would change, just like our shadows were getting longer and narrower under the light poles. Every dream I should fall in, while going up the endless staircase, would steal my presence away from him and throw me into the wrong vicious fantasy world which wear me always further and make me forget why I am next to him trying to obey.
There’s a lot more till the end and staying awake and lucid has become a burden, I’m tired of holding his hand tight, my own is already benumbed, I could so easily give up and let myself slip downstairs on the polished banisters of sin.
I clench my teeth and remain lucid.
At the top of the staircase at last, nothing seems to have changed, except that there’s no wind to change my direction anymore. I finally feel safe, there’s no need to go back down and my choice to continue the way up turned out to be comfortable. Being with you is comfortable and our imaginary way up is supposed to strenghten our connection. You trust the idea that time would make it change till one day would come for us, to the day when nothing would be regrettable and inconvenient anymore.
I’m so very afraid of anything I could do to harm you, just because the present forces me to be good to you. It forces me according to my own mistakes that will soon make be visible for you no more, but hide me in the fog..
I left downstairs my dreams, my trust in my power to change everything.. just to get rid of the feeling that accuses me of disappointing you… I had no courage to build something new upon the old fears and the unbearable guilt. Because of it I had no guarancy that my creation would have stability.. should I have stepped upon them without mercy and never look back? I felt that doing this would have shattered my spirit to pieces and it would have never again been able to make neither me nor anyone happy.
What was to be done?